Right or Wrong?

I'll try to keep a train of thought here, but I’m not sure it will work. Forgive me.

This morning after dropping off my adorable nephew in Gan, my phone rang. I completely forgot that I had arranged a phone meeting for this time and was on the way to do some very needed grocery shopping.

My initial reaction was “Oh man, this messes up my schedule.”

I quickly remembered how important this conversation was, and that it requires me to be focused as I want it to be a productive phone call. I stopped my car on the side of the road and walked through a beautifully quiet playground until the end of the conversation.

That action reminded me how much we can gain from being present and focused. Which is something I have been contemplating in my parenting a lot recently. 

I recently had a bunch of “parenting moments” or what we can call natural relationship interactions where I find myself debating if the way I reacted or handled a situation was “right” or “teaching the right message”. 

Let me explain myself better.

There is so much parenting wisdom out there, which I tremendously gain from. We need that wisdom, we need to be conscious of our choices, reactions, and so forth. We need to be aware of the message we’re sending across, the consequences and so forth.

But sometimes, as I found recently, those create in my mind a sense of doubt, or even guilt.

Here’s an example from yesterday. 

I was at work and one son called from school to tell me that he’s not feeling well and wants to be picked up early. I debated my schedule and told him (based on the fact that he didn’t sound so sick) that I can pick him up after I end my work day.

My friend next to me made a comment in passing and said “wow you’re kids are so spoiled”.

About an hour later son #2 calls to tell me that he’s hungry and doesn’t have enough food, can I please bring him more food. 

If I hadn’t planned on going to school, I don’t think I would have gone out of my way to bring him more food. But I knew that when he’s hungry it is that much more challenging for him to sit and concentrate, which can make learning an incredible challenge. 

Immediately my mind jumped into a serious conversation:

“If you bring him food today he’ll always ask for food”

“Well, he’s hungry and I care about it, and I’m going there anyway”

“Ya, why are you going to pickup your son? You don’t even know if he’s sick”

“You’re right that I don’t, but today is my early day and I’m happy to be there for them”

“Then they’ll have you wrapped around their little finger. What about resilience? Do you always feel good? Do you always have someone to “save” you from uncomfortable situations? Let them fend for themselves!”

“I hear.. I’m confused. But what about them knowing that they’re mother is there for them? That they have who to turn to? And I’m only saying yes because I can, I say no plenty. And life has so many hard situations that they do need to navigate on their own!”.

On the way to the car, I made up my mind that I am picking up food and I am going to pickup my son, even though I’m wondering if it’s the “correct” thing to do”.

At the same time I was speaking (texting) a dear friend who shed some light on my internal debate.

I’m contemplating my parenting, that itself is powerful. A mother’s intuition knows best. Letting go of the dos and don’t allows space for Hashem to create opportunity. And it hits me how much had to fall into place!

It was my early day, and I had no plans for after work.

Hungry boy called after sick boy, so Hashem already organized for me to go there.

When I got to school I discovered that hungry boy was just asked to leave the lesson because he was playing ball, and he was so happy to receive a hug from his mother.

When I was debating this idea recently with another friend, she reminded me that our parenting teaches our children how human we are. It teaches them that as humans sometimes we evaluate every situation for what it is. Our reactions may vary based on so many factors and that’s ok. We are showing them that their mother is a growing, human person who is learning together with them.

It may not be about teaching lessons, building resilience and independence and so many other important skills for life! It can also be about teaching love and acceptance, understanding others and ourselves.

There is so much to be said for letting go, believing in ourselves and intuition, showing up as the loving and caring mother we are, with all our humanness. And as my friend said, that’s where we allow room for Hashem. 

So today, I'm focusing on the realization that letting go of controlling the result that every decision I make might bring along, allows me to be cautious and thought out, while being present and calm at the moment.