October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
As a mother who delivered a still baby, I of course don’t need a month to remember my child. It’s not for me.
I remember my dear child every single day. It actually has nothing to do with remembering. Have you ever made a mental note to remember your arm? Or your 10 fingers? No, because it’s a part of you. My baby is a part of me and alway will be.
To an outsider though, it can’t be seen, and that’s ok. I don’t expect you to see the invisible.
These thoughts here are not about me and me alone, they’re about any woman, who went through any kind of loss.
Remember, that any mother, is living with her epxerince, and her child forever more.
That means that on some days she may cry, on some days she may be triggered, and on some day she may be totally fine.
It means that she is grateful for the gift of time, but also lives with a scar that will forever be hers.
It means that she had dreams and hopes, and she mourns them.
It means that she can fall apart, whenever and wherever and she has permission for that, because there is nothing like a grieving mother.
It means that if she can’t, or doesn’t want to pick up the pieces that’s ok.
It means that she doesn’t want you to forget. Yes, time does heal, but please don’t forget my child that seems taboo.
A part of me is missing and always will be. I have learned to be whole even when I'm not. I have learned to be happy alongside sadness. I have learned that just as one can walk with a missing limb, I too can live with a missing child.
I have learned the beauty of "and". I am grateful for the children I have and terribly miss the one I don't. I count my blessings every day; more aware than ever that life is not to be taken for granted, that every minute my heart is beating is a pure miracle. And yet, I am so pained by loss and by the death of my pure baby.
And that's ok. It's painful and it's not fun. It hurts and it's exhausting. It's numbing and it's paralyzing.
And that's ok.
Ok to suffer, ok to hurt.
Ok to move on, ok to remember.
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